Are you sure.....

My wife never at any point in her life was a blonde......
I am no longer allowed to ask if she is sure she doesn't have blonde roots...
I am also not allowed to laugh when a co-worker asks her the same question.....

Go ahead and hold that over my head....

While at lunch, my wife and I are having one of those discussions where she tries to get me to say something that I fear she will hold over my head and that I will end up regretting.
After multiple attempts on her part, she finally asks why I won't say this "phrase".
I tell her that I don't want her to trick me into saying something that later she can hold over my head.
She then informs me that she isn't tall enough to hold those words over my head.
I was smacked for laughing and agreeing.

I was right....

Occasionally, my wonderful wife and I have one of those conversations where she thinks I am wrong.
Then she finds out that I was right......
When this happens, I am NOT allowed to ask her to repeat her self over and over and over when she tells me I was right.....
Apparently, I am supposed to be humble or something when she tells me I was right.

I WAS RIGHT!!!!!

It may not happen often, but it does happen.

Just being agreeable....

From time to time I am accused of just being agreeable.
I will admit, that sometimes that is the truth.
Sometimes it is not.
Most of the time, it doesn't matter where we eat, or what movie we watch, or even what color the bedspread is.
As long as my wonderful wife is happy, I am happy.

There is a down side to being agreeable as I discovered this past weekend.
My wonderful wife suggested that maybe she was crazy.
I was dumb and agreed with her. And followed it up with I am just being agreeable.
I now know that being agreeable is bad, especially when she says something like that.
I might one day be able to use my right arm to drive again.

The Latin Grammy's

So this evening I am being introduced to something new. Something I never new existed, or even gave any thought to.
Yes, I am referring to the Latin Grammy's.
As I am sitting here watching what looks like a Puerto Rico version of Eminem... I suddenly have a thought... I know, I really shouldn't do that. :)
I started my question out with "I have a dumb question"... (just imagine the look I got)
I proceed to ask, if it is harder to write music to go with the lyrics in a song because there is what sounds like a lot more syllables in Spanish words than in English words......
Yeah, I really did ask that..... And yes, I was told that was a dumb question.

I'm not useless

Today while driving to the hardware store, my wife asked me if I remembered to grab something out of the garage.

I had to admit, that I did not remember said item.

My loving wife then informed me that I was useless.

My retort was that I am not useless, I am good for lots of things, just not the things she wants me to be useful for.

Apparently, that means that I am still useless.

My shorter half

Quite often I refer to my wonderful wife as my better half when speaking to friends and family.
A couple days ago at work while talking to a good friend of mine, I was feeling ornery and referred to her as my shorter half.
He of course told her what I said and I got that look that says tread carefully. I have seen this look many times. (Many many times)
So this evening I informed my brother that he should never ever refer to his wife as that either.
Little did I know, that my wonderful wife could hear me. Oops.
I could feel the you're in trouble look even though I couldn't see her.
I wait patiently for her to get even.

Your pants aren't too long

While walking back from lunch last week, my wife mentioned that her pants were too long as they were dragging on the ground.
I look down to examine the situation. She was right, I started laughing.
"Her response was go ahead and say it, you know you want to."
I asked her what I was going to say... Her answer was spot on:
"Your pants aren't too long, your legs are too short."

Even though I didn't say it, I still got smacked.

Accidentally or Intentionally

There is no difference in accidentally or intentionally ignoring my wife.
None at all......

Mexican or Spanish

The words on the salsa bottles are in Spanish and not Mexican.
Not only should I not say this around my wife, but I should also refrain from such statements around her family.

Spanish signs....

This background on my laptop got me in trouble.

A Short Lunch

Today my wife and I went to lunch with a co-worker.
As we walk in to the restaurant, the person at the door greeted us and then proceeded to ask if there were only 3 people on our party.
I couldn't help it, the words came out before I had a chance to stop them.
I pointed at my wife, and said "No, 2 and 1/2 people"

I was smacked....

Taunting

I am not allowed to taunt my wife while she plays video games.......

Kids.....

One of the boys called some time ago with an issue that was very easily resolved.
While walking down the hall at work with the wife, she hangs up with him and begins to dial the next number....
I jokingly suggested that we trade him in for a less troublesome model. I was very promptly informed that maybe she should trade me in for a less troublesome model.
I let her know that it would be difficult for her to find someone willing to take me.
She finished dialing the number and told me she was calling her mother.
I popped off that it would do her no good to call her, she wouldn't be able to help her when it comes to finding someone to take me.

Oh, There's wood there....

This past weekend, my wife comes back from one of those hobby store's that men try to avoid...
She came in with a new candle holder thingy that attaches to the wall.
She proceeds to get out a hammer and nails.
Then she puts the first nail in the wall. All goes as expected.
As she goes to put the second nail in the wall, I hear tap, tap, thud.
Sounding very surprised, she proclaims, "Hey, there's wood there!!".
This struck me as funny, and I asked if she had expected something different... such as styrofoam,....
I was called mean!!!
(This, by the way, was the story referenced earlier this week)

Never ever......

A couple of days ago while at work, after my wife had come by to say Hi, she wandered off to talk to some other friends while on break. As she left, someone popped off, (I neither remember who it was, or what was said).
She turned to ask what was just said, I very blindly popped off "We were talking about you, not too you"...
This will get a person in trouble.

You don't have to leave

Today at work, my wonderful wife came buy to say Hi during one of her breaks.
She just happened to show up after I had finished telling a story about her to a friend of mine.
(The story will be posted later this week.)
As she turned to go back to training, she said she would leave so we could talk about her.
This is where I "goofed".
I very politely informed her that she doesn't have to leave for us to talk about her.
My co-workers got to witness spousal abuse, although I must admit, I did deserve.
I wonder what deviant plan she has in store to get even with me.

Local News Story

Last night while watching the news, we saw a story about a dog that drives a riding lawnmower.
I told our dog to pay attention. :)
My wonderful wife informed me that our dog was too short to be able to drive anything, much less a riding mower.
I then suggested we let the dog use her booster seat she uses when driving.......
I can safely add this to the list of things not to say to my wife.

Things not to do while driving.....

This afternoon when coming back from the grocery store, my wife and I were talking.
She paused for a minute to reply to a message on her phone.
I patiently waited for her to continue speaking.
In the brief moment before she responded.....
I had this overwhelming, uncontrollable urge to give her a wet willie.....
Apparently, I am not supposed to do that... And she is allowed to retaliate while I am driving.
I think my arm is bruised....

Never follow up with......

I have recently learned that when I tell my wonderful wife that I love her, I should never follow that up with "even if you are crazy"......

Me... work....

Apparently, when the wife looks at me and asks if I have work to do... My answer is not supposed to be "NO"...

She gets even, again.......

I am somewhat accident prone. (ok, more than somewhat, some days I am my own worst enemy)
For the last couple of weeks I have been limping around.
The doctor told me that I tore my calf muscle.
I'm not sure how I did it... if I knew how I did it, I wouldn't do it again.

Today after speaking to a co-worker, I turned wrong and re-injured my calf.
I go ahead and sit back down at my desk to prevent further injury.
My wonderful wife gets released from training for lunch and comes to my desk so we can go and eat.
As I limp away from my desk, she asks "What did you do this time?"
I look at her and point to my leg, and pathetically say "I did it again".
On the spot, she gave me a new nickname....
She looks at me and says "I think I will just start calling you Brittany Spears"........

I don't even know how to get even with that one.

Organizing the garage.

My wife and I recently bought a new house.
We waited patiently as it was built, and couldn't wait to move in once it was completed.
Once we had the keys, it was time to move.
In the time span of a weekend, we had everything moved into the new house.
Now for the fun part, getting settled in. My wife coordinated most of where everything was to be placed inside the house. I was there for moral support and physical labor.
The garage, was mine. I was free to organize it however I saw fit(as long as she was happy with it).
Once the inside of the house was mostly done, it was time to start on the garage, time to start looking for all of the boxes containing things that we couldn't seem to find while unpacking. We found most of what we were looking for, chunked some stuff, and restacked and restacked until there was enough room to fit her car in the garage.
I spent several weekends trying to organize the garage. We got rid of many things, and did more restacking. The last weekend I set out to finally get the garage all organized, I got up early and got a good start. Several hours later, I was proud to say, that I was finally happy with the results.
I wander into the house and announce that the garage is finished and ask my wonderful wife to take a look and put her stamp of approval on my progress.
She wanders out to the garage, looks around nice and slow.
Then with a big evil grin says " I hate it, start over"......
My shoulders drooped, and I hung my head in despair, then some evil demon possessed me and I stood up straight, looked her square in the eyes, took a deep breath..... and then words start to leave my mouth...
(This usually happens too fast for me to stop whatever dumb comment I am so blindly about to blurt out.)

I am no longer allowed to threaten to lock my wife in the storm cellar and then park the car on the door so she can't get out.

Misbehaving

When my wonderful wife tells me to behave for whatever reason, my response is not supposed to be "I am behaving, I'm behaving very poorly."
This will get me into more trouble than I was already in.

Email addresses

I am not allowed to make up fake email addresses for my wife.
I am not allowed to post her fake email addresses on popular social networking sites when people ask for her new email address.
Her email address is not and never will be aaron_southerlands_wife@dell.com.

Things kids say

This post is a little different. I didn't say this, one of my boys said this. I was just an innocent bystander.
One afternoon, after having been to several different stores looking at furniture, we decided to have dinner at steak place. This particular steak place, like many in Oklahoma had a western theme going.
We go in, get situated and order.
After a bit we are eating and talking and I am getting in trouble for instigating the boys. (this happens a lot)
One of the boys informs us that he has to use the little boys room. So I take him to the restroom.
He disappears into a stall and proceeds to take care of business. I stand patiently waiting and looking at the western decorations on the wall.
After a few minutes an older gentleman comes in and goes to the stall next to were the kiddo has decided to camp.
A few moments later, he breaks wind, it was loud....
From the stall were my wonderful kid is, I hear him exclaim "What the heck?".
The older man chuckles as I shush the kiddo.
It took quite a bit for me to not bust out laughing until we get to the table and I get to repeat this story for my wife to enjoy.....

Knitting Needles can be dangerous!!!!

My wife from time to time, likes to knit (or crochet as I don't know the difference between the two. Both use big needles and yarn). One evening she had taken a break from her creative hobby. She was using her laptop, so for a while, we both sat in peace happily plugging away at the internets and using the googles.
I was browsing along when she started to have issues with her laptop.
Now she is very technically inclined. I know this, yet I still offer assistance.
She had already tried everything I suggested.
I began trying to think outside the box to offer some sort of assistance.
While I am pondering her computer related issues, she was becoming more and more agitated with her laptop.
I started to laugh and she gave me "THE LOOK". You know, the one that says tread lightly or today just won't be your day.
I couldn't help it. I very politely suggested she put away the laptop and get out the knitting needles.
Did you know that when held properly, knitting needles look to be very intimidating??????

Lunch with the wife

Today I went to lunch with my wonderful wife. It was a good time.
Being almost late heading back from lunch, she asked that I drop her off at the door.
As we were pulling up to the door, I discovered that I am not allowed to ask her to open the door and jump as I drive by...... apparently, this is frowned upon.

But, she did let me survive for the rest of the day.
Sometimes I think she lets me survive only to watch me squirm in fear as I wonder how she will get even.

Note from the doctor

A note from the doctor will not excuse me from my "honey do" list. Ever.

"Get over it"

I am never in any circumstance allowed to tell my wonderful wife to "Get over it". This never bodes well.

Craigslist

I am never allowed to tell a waitress that I plan on putting an ornery kid on Craigslist. Ever......

One Day I Just Might Learn...(but probably not)

My wonderful wife recently became employed at Dell. Like myself, this is her 2nd time to be employed at Dell.

Yesterday at work, she came over to visit me at my desk. While she was speaking with another co-worker, I snuck away to speak to my manager.

I very politely informed my manager that the individual now speaking with a co-worker was harassing me and asked to have her removed.

My manager, very kindly(and wisely) reminded me that if he were to have her removed, I would have to deal with her wrath when I got home.
I very quickly retracted my statement. For the moment I was safe....

I then told her about my conversation with my manager....

She very promptly informed me that with all of these stories making it to the web, if I were to disappear, no one would have any doubts as to why or who is responsible for my disappearance. ("Why" being the more important fact in this case.)

I wonder if my life insurance is up to date.....

And, She gets even.....

Every once in a while, (every chance she gets) my wonderful wife will get even with me.
This particular time, it was yard work day.
I had been teaching one of the boys to mow the lawn.
I had given him basic instructions, started the lawn mower and now it is time to cut the grass.
I am standing in the yard with my glass of ice tea proudly watching the progress.
My wife comes out and sees that I'm supervising(not doing anything), and grabs the weedeater.
She starts trimming around the shrubs and mailbox.
This is when it gets real good. :)
A car full of people comes driving by with all of the windows down.
As the car passes the yard, she kills the weedeater, and turns to me and in her best Mexican accent yells out "it look ok sir, it look ok"..................

I was speechless....
I have to say, I completely deserved it!!!!

Flowers and such......

While driving around, we pass a Landscaping store. Juli looks over and says "oh, look at the pansies, I need to get some, purple, yellow and white and my favorites are the purple.I wonder if we can find some red ones."
I start laughing and point to the back seat where the boys are sitting and spout off "you have two brown pansie's in the back seat."

When my right arm goes numb, I can still drive with my left arm........

I am no longer allowed to refer to the boys as brown pansies.

Dumb question

I should never ever ask my wife "What is wrong with me?"....

Going out to eat

One evening when trying to figure out where we should go to eat I suggested Mexican food. I was then prompted for ideas as to where..... I gave my response, and was very promptly informed that Taco Bell is not Mexican food..... Hhmm seems I still have a few things to learn.

Dinner Time

Just because my wife (who is Mexican) cooks hamburgers for dinner, does not mean that they are Mexican Hamburgers.... The same holds true with Lasagna....

Another lesson learned....

One night when assisting my wonderful wife with some task such as laundry or making the bed..... I made a mistake, this is not uncommon for me.

She started to (and I only assume this) lecture on my failure.

What I do know for sure, is that after the first 3 words, she switched from speaking English to Spanish.
Me, not understanding much Spanish(barely any at all) looked at her with a confused look until she finished.

When she said her piece, I very politely requested she repeat everything she had just said, only say it slower because it turned me on.

Yes, this did get me smacked, and is probably something I should not say again..

What was I thinking....

When my wife asks me a technical questions, I am not allowed her to tell her to call Dell and have a case opened and then have me engaged on the case........

She's really not that short.....

A couple of months ago, I had been out working in the garage to get it cleaned up and organized.
One of the goals, was to get the trailer out of the garage so we could put the furniture on it in for a garage sale.

Once I got everything onto the trailer, it was time to move the trailer out of the garage.
Juli's car was blocking my trailer.
I asked her for the keys to her car so I could move it.
One of the boys  heard me and asked if he could "back the car out of the driveway".
My response was "No you can't do that, you can't see over the steering wheel, and I don't feel like adjusting your mom's booster seat".

I learned a very valuable lesson that day, always check to make sure your wife isn't holding a hammer before you say something dumb......

Things not to say to or around your wife. A little History

I would like to start out by saying I love my wife dearly, and would never say the types of things you will see in this blog in anger or frustration.
We have been married for over 2 years, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Most of this starts by me laughing a lot before the words just slip out.
She knows that when I start laughing a lot, that whatever I am about to say, I will probably regret.


When we met, we both worked together in IT at Dell.
I was looking for someone to translate for me with a Mexican customer who didn't speak English.
Julieta came to the rescue. She translated for me.

Then many months (and many funny stories)later I married my wonderful Mexican wife.

Instead of trying to go through the hassle of getting both of our large families and friends together all in one place, we ran off to Vegas to get married.

It was amazing, we were married in the Valley of Fire outside of Vegas.
Once we got back, we then proceeded to tell everyone what we did.
We go to my parents house to tell them what we did.

So we start describing the place were we where married. My dad informs us that we were X number of miles from Area 51.
My mom, seeing a chance for a quick jab insult, looks to Juli and says about me, "So you married an alien".
Before I knew the words were coming out of my mouth, I responded with "No mom, I checked her papers, she's legal".

Did you know that shoes can travel at very high velocities? :)
This embarrassed mom quite a bit. Juli thought it was hysterical.

Thus begins our life together, and my many lessons of things not to say to or around my wife.